Seriously, I would hit on barney the dinosaur right now if it meant I was going to get laid.
He came on my chest. Sat back and said "hey it sorta looks like lake michigan!" kill me now...
For future reference, the blowjob coupons I gave you for your birthday are NOT transferable to pay your friends for tacos.
How many beers are too many "cause it's Archer Thursday" beers?
Just threw up. It looks like I may have swallowed a cigarette.
You decided it was too difficult to walk down the stairs so you just rolled across his kitchen floor laughing like a maniac and trying to drink at the same time
I just passed a kid trying to leave on a lawn mower
I don't remember where I was but I remembered that I hated everyone there
Sext: Bring me pancakes from the midnight breakfast gathering please
there is something very satisfying about getting tacos after hours of sex.
I need to you to send me drugs via FedEx
orgy was averted by karaoke, thank god
I wasn't supposed to sleep w him. So of course I sent him gps location to my bed.
I came home in someone else's underwear this morning
Atleast you got a souvenir
Idk but when you think about it the last time I did bottomless mimosas I ended up getting my nipples pierced so it might be fair
Randomize
