so i'm sitting in his room drinking tequila from the bottle and watching harry potter. he's jacking off to some porn a couple feet away from me. at one point i look over and see that he's watching me instead of the porn. please help me figure out how warped it is that i found that romantic
She came to work with 6 additional layers of make-up, playing every Nickelback song about explicit teen sex, and with a dozen twinkies she bet she could finish without chewing any. I'm investing in a rape whistle.
the general consensus of people in the room is that i should have another bottle of wine.
"people in the room" being me.
it's like doing a sit-up... but, you're inside someone
Please don't tell me I was shouting "I'm bleeding from my vagina" in front of my ex-boyfriend and his new girlfriend.
I just feel like a little gay dolphin in a massive sea
I just tried to eat one of my ear plugs, thinking it was a cheese curl. I need it to be break RIGHT NOW.
His penis smells like laundry I just wanted to cuddle it
Dude when the cops came you ran through the fence. Fucking THROUGH it. You're a master ditcher.
Last night I dreamt that I sold my car and used the money to have wheels surgically implanted in my feet and legs so I became a human heely and I just rolled everywhere
He sent me a dick pic from his living room and it has pictures of his three kids in the background
Pissing into the Grand Canyon is the single most liberating thing I've ever done in my entire life
Too stoned. Randomly can't get the image of Emilio estevez's smiling face out of my head. What is life.
And then you screamed, "I JUST WANNA POUR MAPLE SYRUP ALL OVER HIM AND RAVISH HIS BODY!!"
I don't like kids.
You were literally holding a baby 5 minutes ago
I like them before they learn to speak and after they learn to think.
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