@ a funeral. fucking miss uuuu
I told him he didn't want "flip-flop extraction" on his medical history.
a kid who worked there came up to me and let me know you were sitting in the bathroom sink. he said it was fine, so i just kept checking on you.
Guess who just hooked up with the cop that fingerprinted her?
Decided to go explore a half built apartment complex at 4 a.m and leave a 3 block obstacle course in the alley ways on the way home.
You called me 32 times last night just to tell me you felt a heartbeat in your vagina?
Ice cream: Good. Fraternity: Good. Eating ice cream off a Skid Row bum's ass crack in order to get into a Fraternity: Homoerotic at best. I quit.
A sandwich with pizza as the bread. I love you.
YES WITH THE SQUARE KIND OF SLICES
By the way, playing "guess who I had sex with last night" was a great way to start a Thursday, or any day
Beautiful wedding. Beautiful bride. I got shitfaced. Came home and ate two corndogs. I'm still single.
Ps I'm glad our relationship hasn't progressed into having to get married so we legally can't testify against each other
Would it be weird to tell him that on his b'day he's dressing up and we're having weird Jesus sex?
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
He just went to a job interview a sharpie moustache drawn on his face..
How can i make it up 2 u?
DREW I AM SMOKING POT AND FUCKING. WE CANNOT DISCUSS THIS AT THIS PARTICULAR JUNCTURE.
Randomize
