Update, blind date is cute and fun.
Scratch that, blind date just threw up.
So I cleaned the toilet last night at 2 am and woke up with pink eye. Never doing that again.
Just to give you a heads up, I am going home with your ex-boyfriend.... You can't be mad because he was my ex-boyfriend first
I found a horn on the street but it's okay I disinfected it with vodka
I ended up driving home on my birthday, he opened the door to puke on the highway, and animal balloons were flying out of the car the entire time. The people behind us got a show.
There needs to be a crayon color for how blue my balls are
Nurse helped me count all my sexual partners and still gave me her phone number. She shall be #73.
I actually bought food at McDonald's as an apology for what I was about to do to their bathroom.
I guess, all I remember was giving you road head the whole way there so you wouldn't fall asleep.
We need to step up our tailgating...they're here drinking out of a prosthetic leg
You chucked an empty vodka bottle against the wall and yelled "Everyone calm the fuck down, it's just the cops." After 10 seconds of silence I looked over and saw you pissing their fountain.
BUT YOU MUST FINISH YOUR QUEST
TO FIND THE HOLY GRAIL
AND GET DRUNK OFF YOUR ASS BY DRINKING OUT OF IT
Have you ever wondered if we are just made up characters in someone's head? You'll have to forgive me right now I think I have 7 thumbs
Dude there's ten thousand dollars worth of damage to the kids house and three thousand in stolen property and his dog is missing he is pissed
If I give him back his dog do you think he'll invite me to the next party
About that photo of the cake you just sent. You do realize it’s on a glass table, right? We can all see your reflection in it, and you’re very obviously naked.
Randomize
