I considered driving home in his mom's bathrobe until i realized i'd have to stop to buy cigarettes
there is a homeless man oan crack poledancing on a fence... now hes humping it...
Apparently when he woke up I was tripping my face off. Everytime the cat meowed I would meow back. This went on for several hours.
Got to see someone fall down the stairs while holding hot coffee and a folder full of papers. Best Monday ever.
Just bought a pack of cigs...gas station guy informed me i took off my underwear and tried to pop a squat by the milk last night...
In the ER. 2nd degree burns. Drunken attempt to make gasoline scented candles.
I've never been so embarrassed. It's like waking up as Fred Durst.
Because her vagina is one of those illusive black holes that leads to a parallel universe where he is king and the sea is made of beer! That is why they are together!
The length of my leg hair is a constant reminder of how long it's been since I even thought I had a chance of getting laid.
My mom just offered to be my designated driver tonight. I love being an adult.
I think Jabba the Hut is dying in the stall next to me.
He was like low grade Riff Raff, but I hit it. Twice. His grill popped out the second time.
I definitely don't have enough experience with hookers to be in this group text anymore.
336: Dude I lost my.phone Wednesday night at a party and just found it, three days later, on the lacrosse field....what the actual fuck.
Yeaaaaa...im super disgusted with myself lol...which is interesting, considering all of the things I have done in my life...
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