I'm afraid we're only dating because we're too lazy to look for anyone else.
we got a new version of the plan b at the pharmacy now. its called next choice. you would think they would come up with better names for these things.
so she finally agreed to being friends with benefits. not only did I take her virginity, when I woke up, she brought me French toast made with homemade bread in bed.
I worship thee.
Halloween has nothing on dressing up as as the INS on cinco de mayo
And it just wouldn't be a Thursday night without me having to cuss out a foreigner. The streak continues.
using blue streamers we found on the bathroom floor was probably not the best substitute for toilet paper.
I think that's the first time I've heard someone say "this is the safest way of doing things" while holding half a gallon of jagermeister
Of course the bar would go completely silent right as I yell out "I don't have AIDS"
He broke into my house just to tell me the door was locked.
Is re-gifting a Valentine's Day present worse than re-gifting a Xmas one?
You're unbelievable, unbelievably awesome.
I bought us both waterproof cases so we can sext through FaceTime in the shower.
Next. Level. Shit.
I should not be this drunk in a place where a girl is wearing a princess dress
he told me that he only likes small dogs. I should have known he was going to end up being little bitch.
I can't wait to see you again. It will be like when we first started dating- but with less clothes.
Not having a reliable dick in is getting expensive. I’ve had to replace 3 vibrators since Mike and I split up
Randomize
