What the hell am I supposed to do with 50 gallons of mayo?
Every time I find out someone else from high school got pregnant accidentally, I want to declare victory over them.
im drinking italian dressing and watching dexter. its 230am. lets never drink on sundays again.
not my fault hes the one that tried to cuddle after. said he wanted to spoon away the shame.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
It was like watching porn, except it was in real life, and it was starring two of your best friends.
We opted you as the sacrificial dick tonight. We need our patron cafe. Go make some moves.
Please come over, I'm slowly melting into a ball of sexual frustration. If I'm not dead by the end of the day be very surprised.
Do you think dominoes pizza would deliver faster if I told them I just had shower sex and that always makes me hungry?
Are you proud of yourself?
ask me again when I'm drunk. Then fuck off.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Our nipples touched last night. It was tender.
I think I fell asleep on the dance floor at one point...but played it off cool and acted like I just did the robot.
I think were only still together so we can make each other miserable
I just want my kids to know I fucked some really hot dudes before their father.
You're going to scar your kids
You kept calling yourself a spider monkey... Then ran to the bathroom to "prepare for the main event"
My theory is if i keep drinking, evolution will kick in and I will grow a bigger, faster, and more improved liver by January.
Randomize