I'm a simple man, with a social life most psychopaths would cringe at
I can't go out tonight I need to save my money for important things.....like rogaine and ecstasy.
When you come back do you think I could print anorexic pictures of Mary-Kate?
Is it bad that I stopped wanting to fuck her as soon as I noticed she had dry skin?
I sometimes completely doubt that you're straight.
i'm out of college. that means no more sex on a twin bed. ever. i don't care how big his dick was. i'm classy like that.
It's like a puppy that we have to take care of at all times or else she'll get sad, lonely, and chew on the furniture. And by 'chew on the furniture', I mean have anonymous sex.
Three people drank on "never have I had sex in a tractor." Iowa at its best?
He kept falling asleep with the pizza in his hand. I woke him up and told him and he was shocked because he thought he ate it all. Then he would end up falling asleep and we'd repeat the whole process again.
Had a guy offer me a shot. But he wimped out when I asked for tequila and instead ordered gummi bear shots. I don't think he has balls. I didn't stick around to find out.
I was just at home taking Vicodin for a week straight. Talk about a vacation.
I woke up to my roommate checking my pulse
Although now I have "number of cheese slices" as a unit of boob measurement in my head.
I had a dream last night that I answered the phone and after I said hello, Shia Lebeouf started yelling "DO IT! JUST DO IT!" That's when I knew, I had officially become meme trash.
Sorry I peed on your ottoman
Its weird to introduce me to his wife and kids on the first date, right?
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