the stripper made me go home becuz she had to take her kid to a birthday party in the morning
I just got invited to go home with a married couple...
Ah I wish I was there to nurse you then clean up your piss-filled water bottles
for some reason the bedside piss missed the water bottle today
she's walking around the room telling people she can make the room move with her mind and then she shakes her head really fast yelling 'see?!'
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I'm retiring my vagina. Better yet I'm Farve-ing it.
Def the best call fo sho
That way it can come out of retirement anytime and play for different teams. And it can wear Wranglers.
I figured that I'd start organizing the places ive given head. I'll add treehouse right after bandroom
He said I went to go sit outside and is promised I wouldn't leave he brings me a chair and I'm gone. He found me stumbling a half mile away in my socks
No, fuck buddies don't get birthday party privledges...
Sorry.
Yeah, he has a kid now! Shit... You know you're all grown up when the people you used to have threesomes with become parents
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Just found a condom on my floor from last weekend. 2/2. The scavenger hunt is over.
I'm going to text my booty call and tell him nevermind, that I got the job finished by myself. That will teach him to text back faster.
This lesson is brought you by a psychology class.
its 2pm. u awake yet?
ill text u back later. still peeling fingernail polish off my face.
Omg how many tall cans is too many tall cans for 1 pm
So here's a brief summary of my weekend: last night I drank four glasses of Death Punch, grabbed the toaster, said "This is mine", put it in my pants and walked out the front door.
I'm at home, drunk, and I just called the guy I lost my virginity to and invited him to my wedding.. I've got to stop drinking by myself.
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