She went to the bathroom before i broke up with her so i changed all 2500 of her songs on her computer to "I'm a cheating whore"
it's been like two and a half months. And I swear, I keep seeing walking dicks. I think I'm going crazy cause of lack of sex..
I'm sitting next to some random guy in a gorilla suit drinking out of a bottle of vodka.
He's majoring in Religion
I feel like someone kicked me repeatedly in the ribs. I don't think sex is supposed to do that.
Dude you took some guys glasses off his face and ran out of the bar
"Wait, who's gun did I have?" Moments when you re-examine your life choices.
Dear awkwardly drunk roommate, thanks for stuffing enough change in my clevage that I could afford a pepsi at work today. Sincerely awesome roommate that put up with your drunk ass
I received a sext from my girlfriend, and a deal for free chips and guacamole at chipotle at the same time. I have tasted heaven, and it is beautiful.
hey dude my crackhead idol just taught me a great way to tie shoes
I just bought the spice girls album. We will be doing music videos in the near future. You are our baby spice-- don't fight it
That's like a fucking falcon or some shit. I don't know birds but I know that is not a bird you fuck with.
Went home with a guy last night with Taco Bell sauce in my hair and on my pants
She was topless, yelling this is Sparta, threatening to push her dad into the sewer. I am pretty sure she won't be at school.
we got cockblocked by his mom again...its like she has a radar on me
please stop trying to sleep with him
So I lost my dignity between the strip club and your penis...
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