his facebook status quotes britney spears so there is always that
If it looks like I didn't change from last night, it's because I didn't.
Excuse me by sucking dick i am fighting crime. Just think of all the prostitues going out of business and getting real jobs.
Looking for things to spread butter on. Found men's briefs in garbage can. Lost insurance card. Summer has finally arrived
Can we promise no matter what that we have sex the night the Mayan calendar runs out?
So. Do you think marshmallow vodka in hot chocolate while eating a graham cracker would = s'mores?
In some strange universe, yes
Cory and I accidentally had a sexual adventure last night.
How do you ACCIDENTALLY have a sexual adventure?
I just audibly asked myself if i wanted to masturbate.
And then audibly agreed
You cried for a while then lifted lots of weights then cady's ex put glitter on your tits and then you took a nap. I got you pizza and brought you home. Nothing too exciting.
Apparently I was having great conversation with this 48 year old on grindr & he was concerned as to how I was getting home.
Because that's what you do with poop. You expect the worst.
I'm officially removing you from my nudes recipient list on snapchat.
What happened last night dude?
YOU SHIT ON MY FUCKING COFFE TABLE THATS WHAT FUCKING HAPPENED!!!
last time we were there you stole a tap from the toilets. How are you confused that your bag is full of baubles you clearly can't stop collecting their furnishings
My first hangover at work. I'm officially an adult.
Randomize
