We won't sleep together?
OMG - This guy with a mullet just told me - it wasn't a mullet - but his hair dresser layered it wrong. It's so walmart in here. I hate you.
every time i wear that dress i get kicked out of a bar.
Outta milk. Using rum instead for pancake mix. Drunk Thursday is a gooo
Just a heads up, i'm sleeping in te back seat of your car so don't be freaked out when you see me in the A.M.
Dude. This guy has a ketchup bottle full of jello shots. Best. Thing. Ever.
I drank half a bottle of wine while watching the Olympics opening ceremonies. I catcalled at handsome athletes. Stop me.
i know i should keep better track of the things that i put in your vagina but i've put so many things in there it's hard to keep track
Everybody shut up a minute, we need to discuss how much nicer the world would be if pants weren't a thing.
Pretty sure I used toilet water to wash vomit off my face last night...
Is it bad that I want a job purely so I can buy drugs with without feeling like I am sacrificing my future?
Why do you think I have a job?
Just realized I've gone to court three different times with papers and a joint roller in my briefcase. #lawyeroftheyear
He keeps singing a song about someone called the dayman.
....fighter of the Nightman?
Hey.. Lock your door. There's a drunk girl walking around in here. She just came in my room and peed on my chair.
He got mad at you last time bc you tried to rap battle him via text. This is strictly business.
Randomize
