i called her out for picking her nose in public and he still wonders why i don't like her!
I walk in and my mom takes one look at me and just says, ".... Consequences"
I'm at taco bell and they have a hiring sign asking "do you like to melt things?" clearly they only want the ambitious.
Dude you has no fucking this poptart
What?
I dont know to explain this.
We followed the campus tour around in a golf cart drinking PBR and blasting "Sexual Healing."
Too lazy to get out of my bed thats 2 feet away from you. Are you sure youre alright?
Yes, but it's not new to me. It's like every time a new guy finds out I'm a squirter it's a novelty so they make me squirt and squirt and squirt until their bed is completely soaked. And then afterwards they complain that there isn't a dry bit to sleep on. No shit Sherlock.
Me either. I want to get 'chase a stray cat through the neighborhood in my hooker heels' drunk. And it's your birthday, so you have to get 'best friend holding your hair while you puke in the bar bathroom and cry about your life' drunk. In a feather boa.
Yeah it'll definitely be worth it. Not having syphilis all the time you know
He's cute when he's drunk, too. Also he tried to fight my door...
I just told a squirrel he was gonna suffocate because he was eating a plastic bag. and i stared at him till he spit it out. Its official, I love squirrels more than people. they actually listen.
You ever just wake up and decide, today I'm going to eat a whole bag of fritos and a tub of cream cheese
We just left the shoe. An app card to Fridays. $25 to santoras and a note that said sorry we were drunk on the front doorstep of the strip club
"I'm a professor to university students" I say as I realize I have a nipple piercing that I have no memory of getting
I can't talk, I can't walk, I think I'm twitching and I'm not even sure if I'm typing this. Help
Randomize
