I hate babysitting girls whose boobs are bigger than mine.
She was so bad on top that i found myself watching a TV that wasn't even turned on
Just used my cancer results to get a free lap dance. Great day just got better.
just went back to the bar and asked if they found a shoe last night.
my left tit made it into the crop job on your profile pic, I knew it was good for other things
In college, I had one standard. Penis. A lot has changed since then. Now I really only have one standard. Breathing.
Come part with me. By you sleep! No fun. Idek feelings Sorry for your life.
She kicked in my bedroom door in only high-heals with a bottle of wine, announcing it was "cock-o-clock"
I am not getting you a goat.
Fair enough. I am not going out with you. The goat was not negotiable.
Why is there no Netflix category for "I just wanna cry, but I don't have time for a whole romcom"?
I'm hiding in the bathroom at the library but there are children here I just want to drunk cry in peace
An d I'd rather cry while putting a waffle in my mouth than cry on my pillow, ya feel me?
I'm happy I peed in your laundry basket last night
Sitting on couch, workout sex makes me more sore than regular workout
Double high-fived his wife and her sister on the way out. If I'm not the best mistress ever tell me how.
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