I was in the bathroom and her cat just looked at my penis with a profound hatred.
I showed my boss the "She Wolf" video. He sent it to all his friends and told me to make us martinis...thanks Shakira and keep it up
Well the bottom line is that I had to completely coat my testicles in Neosporin.
She put her phone in her underwear and it somehow managed to work it's way into her vagina. she has a BLACKBERRY.
How do u explain cocaine to a 9 year old?
Well, i'm not sure how that works so i wish both you and your vagina luck on your voyage.
all i remember was you yelling "look at my little feet" at everyone on the way home from the bar.
He broke into my apartment to check his Facebook again, the beer is all gone, and there's a new high score on pac man.
for the record, you never really realize how drunk you still are until you get on rollerskates...
He either works for the Irish Mob or I'm being Catfished
was it wrong to tell him he's welcome in my pants any time?
I'm gonna try and get through this weekend sober, which is gonna be tough especially since I've already started drinking.
Our breakfast options are microwave popcorn, wavy lays and fireball
Hey I had a great night last night but I don't want to lie to you I'm only 19 and that wasn't my place its was my cousin he's gone for the summer and I was just house sitting and watching his cat I'm sorry
I've just realized that today's rations have consisted of turkey bacon and jack Daniels.
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