my drunk step mom just informed me my dad likes reverse cowgirl. Please god kill me.
the power's out. i'm smoking weed by flashlight
i wish i was dedicated to anything like you are to weed
Jenna and Ryan are ranting and raving about child custody. MY VASECTOMY SMILES.
my mom found me this morning spread out like jesus sleeping on the living room floor. i had a piece of bread over my eyes to block the light out
he kept saying "mind over matter" as he fucked me
Next Halloween, remind me to find a different wingman. Walking out in your pirate costume talking like Captain Ahab while i was banging her and telling me I had to harpoon the white whale really pissed her off.
You just sat there for two solid hours staring at your monitor and every five minutes screamed "LEGOOOOOS"
Why are there so many fucking Lambchop puppets hidden around my house?!
I touched the butt once. 'Twas an experience with the greatness of legend. So I touched it once more.
Do me a favor and don't mention him I feel like Regina George and I just want to scream I made him
Life if anyone rolls up to my funeral with shitty weed get them out of there
I would definitely ride that dick into the sunset if nuggets are involved
Mid-fucking he screams "YOU CAN'T VOTE FOR TRUMP"
Um, just removed my insulin from the fridge so that I could fit our case in there. Tell me, who has their priorities straight? THIS GIRL.
We went to the midnight donut shop and you hopped the counter and told everyone to "Get the Fuck out of your Bar" but to also "Make yourselves at home".
Randomize
