UPDATE: In a passionate fit of self love, I brought myself to orgasm under the moon on my 7th floor balcony, ejaculating between the rungs towards the ground.
Unfortunately, I did not realize that most of it would end up on the balcony below mine.
At least you don't cum in color.
i would totally switch to progressive if they'd let me bang that girl in the commercial.
I was debating whether her purse was real then I saw her puke in it.
at least if we puke, we will be surrounded by beautiful, non-judgemental trees.
Got a 72 hour restraining order. Can we meet monday? Let me know!
He gave me the award for most entertaining blow job. That should count for something.
Well my sober pact lasted almost an hour. Then I did four shots. But in other news, one of those shots I took with a midget. So like I couldn't turn that shit down.
They've already turned me into the Dean of Students once because they felt 'unsafe' because I came home hammered and asked one of them to make me a grilled cheese sandwich. Like, I just ASKED!
Well while you were being a dick I was taping back together a cougars broken heart
I got custody of our girlfriend in the breakup.
Things that don't wash off in the shower: black eyes and hickies.
I would rather her be sleeping with someone new than getting to go Harry Potter world before me...
There's no button for "gave my boyfriend's cock to a friend" on my intimacy calendar.
I made out with a 40 year old and told her we were dating then got kicked out of a gay bar. This is the day I stop drinking.
There is a french fry attached to my steering wheel and a note that says "eat me yum yum" can you explain this?
Randomize
