someone is gonna have my baby tonight. they just dont know it yet
I'll alert the authorities
You found Muppets From Space a little too intense, so you just sorta sat on the ground and stared at the wall plug for an hour and a half.
Sorry for my penis texting you last night, I can't control what he wants at 4am.
my vagradar is going off.. it smells a soldier
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I climbed out a window to pee last night because i thought i was locked in the room... Then crawled back in and went to bed. The poor neighbors.
I just gave my mom some ones that look like they've probably been in some strippers cooter. Oops.
Haha. Just tell your mom not to smell them
Hey mom, most of this money I'm giving you is in ones. Don't ask why and whatever you do don't smell them.
Sounds legit to me.
Just used an eyelash curler to open my beer since I didn't have a bottle opener. Things are starting to look up.
Tomorrow's Mother's Day and the only thing I can afford is beer and the McDonalds dollar menu. Do you think a Budweiser and a Big Mac says thank you for me fucking up your life since 1990?
It's Jesse McGoddamn Cartney, the whole world sings that shit
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You need to finger her with the Spock hand sign since she loves Star Trek.
I just ordered a onesie on amazon in the back of the ambulance while my patient was sleeping. I'm an adult
We found him sitting in the back of the club crying into a strippers lap. She told us he missed his pet frog and to come back later.
I sent him a tex saying, "I thought my intentions were clear" drunk me has some balls.
at one point, you reached into your purse, pulled out a tampon, and proceeded to rub it on your lips like chapstick... that drunk
I made out with the hosts' boyfriend, infront of her, drank way too much, slept in my car and convinced everyone that I'm really a nice person. If that's not skilled lying, I don't know what is.
Randomize