I just masturbated at work. Does that make me a prostitute since i just technically got paid to have sex?
i just had sex bonerless
Just got a orange juice for my grandma, put gin in it without thinking. She's having a good morning.
I had to ask him for the scissors while I was in the shower. My hood piercing was stuck in my loofah.
Good news: he out-ran the campus police. Bad news: they were chasing him toward the REAL police.
They took my balls.
I think I'm the only sober person in the whole bar. If you count drinking less than 10 tequilas sober.
We started pregaming at 8. It's 11, and her only 11:11 wish is to be sober. It's hard to not love her.
If thou doesn't answer thou phone thou shall receive a barrage of Dick pics. It's the eleventh commandment.
Benefits of having to stay in jail for the weekend: learned how to make my own make up out of colored pencils. Also how to make use of toothpaste for hair products. Downfall was probably getting hit on by a murderer. Only me.
I love how when they see that I'm upset their initial response is to offer me ecstasy
Dude I just realized i did a camper walk of shame in front of amish people. I should have asked for cheese and a home made pie to cover it up. Im just lost shopping in amish country nothing to see here
I'm just concerned as to why his penis is two different colors.
She was just trying to do dick voodoo. Pretty standard stuff.
Turns out tits aren't quite as effective an enticement when they know for a fact that they can't touch.
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