Men with bald spots should not have mohawks. Just in case you didn't know.
I don't think I can fit "I'm sorry for ruining Christmas" on one cake. Better make two.
I honestly get shocked all over again every time I pull his pants down. It's one of those feelings you never get tired of.
Her husband keeps getting drunk and making out with me. Good news is I found the strep carrier. Bad news is have strep again.
Balls are wasted. Waste are ballsted. Ballsd wasted
Come back. She's looking through naked pics of his exes on his phone and questioning him about them and I'm too drunk to walk away.
Yea. I couldn't get a job in fast food but I can teach Americas youth. The future looks great
The video of him doing the dougie made me telling him I didn't want a relationship, just his virginity so much easier.
Need you on the dancefloor. Hungry and lonely.
My Canadian brought me three bottles of maple syrup, a sunflower, and a pair of Oakleys back to the states...he's either drunk or he loves me
who was i chillin with last night? i woke up in a storage unit
Now everytime I sit on a toilet I think about having sex with him. Great.
He called me dainty, then fucked me like the Viking God he is.
I woke up to him crying and pouring pixy stix in my mouth saying they would bring me back to life.
Anyone who does not know who Paul McCartney is does NOT get to put hands in my pants
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