she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
Gfs sis is in town. Its awkwardly obv that we want to fuck each other.
everything was goin great until he pulled out his ed hardy lighter and smoked in my face like he was cool.
it's like you attract all the douchebags that nobody wants. people should thank you.
We were eating hotdog buns dipped in French onion dip in lawn chairs at 4am. That drunk
I'm sitting in front of a fan naked drinking Gatorade. Motherfucking hangover probs
Just found weed in an empty handle. Who knew Capitan Morgan was also a gardener?
the first cop to show up was this girl who hooked up with our home ec teacher in high school, she knows about questionable decisions
I need time to grow out my leg hair and not be sad anymore
Yo making cake in the shape of a penis is no easy feat
The magician guy on probation is here at the bar. I'm gonna get him to show me a trick
I agree with that homeless guy though, you do need a haircut
Everytime I feel sad about the break up; I recall that she is a Bernie supporter and feel all better
I might have to quit marching band. It's affecting my drinking schedule
When we were in Vegas he tried to get an Elvis impersonator to act dead on a toilet so he could take photos. This is even worse
Bruh. You offered the cashier tater tots that you had stuffed in your pocket.
Yeah, and? She might've been hungry.
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