Apparently you walked through my house with your dress on your head
I just puked into a plastic bag at a red light. Go me.
Dude, she uses Old Spice. It smelled like I was eating out my grandfather.
I just remembered yelling "they're gonna let me be a lawyer! Me! Why would they do that?"
Waiting outside the STD clinic 30 min before it opens already in a line up. It's like were all waiting for a concert that no ones really pumped for
Don't make fun of the drunk girl eating bread out of her pockets. I've been that girl.
Strike three, the fat brides maid they call shit puker also has herpes.
Sex last night was mind blowing. your wife is one lucky lady.
Update: I may or may not be in a cult
Update #2: I may or may not be the leader of said cult
Also, I saved your name as Everclear last night. No idea why I did that.
I ate the crust off the pizza and left the rest in the box. Even I would hate me.
Someone just asked me if I was chewing red hot gum.... I'm LITERALLY SWEATING OUT FIREBALL.
He played me Kanye.. Speaking my love language.. He got a well deserved BJ
I've spent so much time on tinder lately I just tried to left swipe an instagram photo of my neighbor
My mom just asked if I wanted a mimosa when I got out of the bath.
I think everything's gonna be okay.
Randomize
