Dear everyone that texted me last night wondering where i was. i ended up face down blacked up drunk before i made it to the party. My bad
Dogs love guiness but it fucks up their kidneys
This guy told us that for a dollar and two cigarettes he'd let Megan stomp on his crotch. We were gonna refuse, but we figured someone had to keep him from passing his stupid genes along.
no one should ever give us hovercrafts
I have a test in the morning in sign language about signs for drugs and alcohol use. Im drunk and rolling a blunt. I've never felt so confident about a grade in my life.
DOMA is dead. I'm definitely going to be the last of our friends to get married now.
Beat the bartender in a shot challenge for a free tab. I won that, and him. I never get tired of the "this is my first time with a guy.." bullshit.
How do you even...
The magic of Christmas. And whiskey, of course.
The best thing about this time of year is that all I have to do is add a random mardi gras decoration to my cart full of alcohol and boom, no more judging
Alex I've come up with a new medical condition. dick depression. it's a real thing and I have it
Chugging this bottle of Jim at the airport is proving more difficult than I imagined. TSA is not amused.
Hold on gotta plunge the sink
Is that a euphemism for sex? Either way, have a good time
We are gonna play a game I like to call what the fuck is in my pocket
finals do horrible things to a person. i haven't worn pants since friday
I kept screaming at his rabbit: "IT'S OKAY, YOU CAN HAVE SOME TRIX. FUCK THOSE SELFISH BITCHES."
He just told me my boobs made up for all the bad things that had ever happened to him. I'm definately having sex with him again.
Randomize
