Yo, my girl thinks she's pregnant, so I've got a DD for the wedding. Sweet.
Dude you called me last night to let me listen to you piss in a cup and drink it. Just making sure you survived
id like to know how you successfully locked me in your backseat last night
The mass text at 3:12AM offering "free scrotum tastings" will have repercussions
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
It is a special kind of bonus when you find money you hid from yourself when you were drunk in the tampon box. What did we do last period?
She's like a connoisseur of porn. Her collection has things in it I never even knew existed. She even has an Italian batman porno. Where has she been all my life?
If I get over there and the april fools joke is that there's no HBO, I'm setting fire to the place.
I am so juiced up on period drugs and coffee I feel like my skin is going to fall off.
You peed on someones bathroom floor while saying people are rude for not flushing
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I think I'm still a little drunk from Sunday Funday and I just changed for a date in my car. wish me luck.
Dude just texted me asking if I could drive 45 mins for a quickie dude use your hand
he gave me a flinstones gummy vitamin and was like, "ya know.. because of ebola."
My day so far: morning after pill and pancakes. Living the dream.
I just want you to make me second guess my worth as a human. Is that too much to ask?
she is legit trying to fuck me to death between her and work i haven't slept in 3 days and have at least 16 hours to go before sleep is a possibility. can i crash at your place she doesnt know where you live
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