You tied the party balloons to your nipple ring so that everyone would know you partied.
everyone knows that carl winslow was the sexiest man in die hard.
I love memorial day. It's drinking in the name of patriotism. God Bless America
I was eating her out when she coughed, I just swallowed a bright red blood clot
Ok. In one sink is a hairdrier. Still plugged in. The other is filled with broken glass. What do I do?!
Nvm. Bloody hand trumps dead. Also, where is gauze.
can you explain how you are here for one night and now my kitchen table is in 11 pieces..
look up what dreaming that you're in a lesbian relationship with a manatee means.
you sat in the middle of your kitchen floor feeding your dog blueberries one by one
Found him fucking some random drunk chick in the bathrrom at the blue lep with a beer in each hand. had to give him props.
Hahah fuck. I keep looking to make sure that stupid line doesn't show up when my guards are down. Babies can sense fear.
We are all yelling at the cat at our apt in nothing but our underwear. How do you think it's going.
I'm at the point in my life where I'm gonna sell my eggs for cash
Hey, thanks for not calling the cops when I answered the door naked, high as fuck, and covered in red velvet cake batter.
I'm slowly getting to where I don't hate people anymore.
Never mind. Some random dude just walked past me and asked if I was having fun. I snarled at him. I might still kinda hate people.
She's so high she just screamed into the pile of takeout boxes "which one of you gave me diarrhea"
Randomize
