How did your new apartment party go last night?
I'm really happy i have a bigger bathroom to puke in.
He was about to puke, and so I handed him an empty beer can. In retrospect, not very helpful.
He compliments me like a gay guy and fucks me like a starved nympho. I'm in love.
He gave me an orgasm before we even reached 2nd base, everything he did in high school is irrelevant.
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His words said "save me", but his penis said "I'll take my chances"
"drunk introduce yourself to everyone colleen" came out last night... you kept grabbing guys faces that you just met and just kept saying their names over and over and over again so you wouldn't forget.. then would see them 5 minutes later to introduce yourself again..
seis de mayo is my least favoite holiday because i usually spend it in bed sobbing over my poor life decisions from the night before.
Out of desperation, I used the leftover sauce from my goat masala as a mixer for vodka shots.
"Just cut me in half. Then take half of me home. And leave the other half here. Cuz I can't see."
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
just in the smoking shack with my sister cheering on a caterpillar make its cocoon
I spilt beer on the table, and she quickly got a straw and yelled party foul and made me drink it.
I just wish my penis was a person so I could give him a high five.
i found 4 slices of pizza in my toaster, and a can of unopened soup in my blender.. wtf?
In my life time, I want nothing more than to get a blow job while watching Space Jam.
hey i'm sure you are probably asleep bc you suck and think sleep is necessary to live or something?
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