I apparently took a 45 minute shower, and became best friends with his mom.
i decided i am going on the Justin Bobby plan for success. Don't cut my hair for a year, don't shave for a month, land Audrina Patridge. Game on.
I just witnessed two drunk midgets fighting over a graham cracker. I can die happy now.
From what I hear, her blowjob factory was runninng at full capacity this weekend.
He pulled his pants down and said blow me, while passing out on my bed. I then pulled his pants up as he continuously started moaning in the background.
So hung over, I told one of the candidates she's hired if we can turn the lights off and take a nap instead of doing her interview. I feel like she has potential.
The 12 year old son winked and made eyes at me while his father fed me vodka gummy bears. Gameday yo
You know you're hung-over when you're smoking and have the strong urge to eat the cigarette. No more buckets of gin. No. More. Ever.
did you know the cops in wilco have clean up kits in their cars for when people puke in them? i found this out this morning. i'm finishing paperwork now. come get me plz?
She sprained her ankle last night trying to flash me.
He was nothing but deer-caught-in-headlight eyes and dick, it was adorable
*jedi mind trick* you want to go down on me
I fucked him on shrooms. His dick looked like a missile and he had snakes coming out of his ears. It. Was. AWESOME!
there's a bowling ball in the dishwasher and a dog bone in the freezer
It was like he was 23 all over again. Madness. I. was. so. scared.
Randomize
