Somebody was walking their dog with their car. seriously
Yes, she gives me platonic blowjobs as part of our friendship.
I need to stop treating my body like that of a Vegas hooker on vacation in Ibiza
she's drunk at 2 in the afternoon again. at least my mother is predictable.
I played ping pong,drunk, with my hand instead of the paddle. And i won. I have hidden talents
Whoever put salsa in the kiddie pool.....your an ass. Fuck you.
I honestly feel really bad for any girl with a period that lasts more than a day
Everything about that text makes me want to throttle you and cry
But in defense of this shit summer we've had, I totally perfected my shotgunning skills. I have achieved my summer goal.
He caught a cramp during sex and I was like "do you want me to get you a banana?" And he responded with "I'll give you a banana" and kept going. I'm marrying him.
My one night stand asked me out to dinner. When he came to pick me up I got in the back seat. I thought he sent an uber. Awkward.
I had a dream involving the worlds smallest pony, an asphalt volcano, and jimi hendrix. Never smoking 3 bowls before bed again
Quit being awkward towards me every time the group is together. They're going to figure out we're fucking.
The vodka gummy bears are so strong. If I die of alcohol poisoning, please tell my dad it was single malt scotch.
It's been so long since I had sex I might propose to the next girl who will sleep with me.
Do dollar stores sell vibrators?
Randomize
