Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
I wish Facebook had filters like: Ivy League school, frat boy, straight, extremely wealthy, great in bed.. I would check all of them
got hammered last night, woke up this morning to 38 texts that varied from "you fucking asshole" to "i can be there in 10 minutes"
My gym is having a pizza and beer party. God im starting to love this place.
my nick name has gotton too long over the years..C.T.P.S.G.F.P.G.......cock tease private school groupie frat party groupie.
Well, we missed our public lewdness court date. Looks like were going to jail in Alabama ...
Stealing vibrators from Walmart together was when I realized you'd be my Maid of Honor.
i talked to you about this last night, and you kept saying "he wants yo pusssaayyyyyy"
so now that i'm sober i just want to apologize for violating your back seat...... on a brighter note thank you for playing the little mermaid song "kiss the girl," really set the mood.
Let's play a little game of "Last Night Never Happened"
I'm drawing the line at your vagina. I will not accompany you to get that pierced and/or tattooed. There's got to be some mystery to our relationship.
Something about being drunk at 1pm chasing seagulls on the beach while it's raining is very calming
I need Mexican food. Like, I'd take it through a needle at this point. It's totally worth the track marks.
Leaving my wallet at work and not going out to drink tonight...SIGN FROM THE UNIVERSE.
so all I remember is hig-fiving the cop and then sprinting away. considering I'm not in jail, I count that as a win.
Randomize
