I just saw the dad from "Little People Big World" at the airport. I chased him down and congratulated him for beating the DUI.
I feel like every car around me knows I'm driving in my snuggie
Just woke up with 34 slim-jims in my pocket. Too afraid to check the others.
my night ended in me puking all over jenna's bed, then me trying to wash the sheets in the toilet.
I wasn't so much your wingman at that point as I was the interpreter of you point at shit and mumbling to the cab driver.
I can feel the fear and stress bubbling in my stomach. Or maybe that is the pregnancy.
Calling a preemptive no homo on tonight's activities
I peppersprayed myself last night. Sigh.
Ryan Reynolds is on sesame street right now. Dressed as a letter A but still sexy as fuck. PBS is so considerate of the stay at home mom.
He just unloaded a dump truck full of red flags on my head.
Of course I'm going to see her again. She had waterproof handcuffs in her shower.
IM ON THE WEIRD DRUGS AND I JUST SAW THAT TOM HARDY THING NOW I WANT TO HUMP
I am such a fucking liability at weddings. I ended up making out with this married 40-year-old that told me that basically if I came home with him and be a sex partner for him and his wife, I would never have to pay for anything again. Extremely considered it.
What’s the level of adulting when you reschedule a dentist appointment to have a threesome?
Fun fact: deep throating plus dehydration plus eating a lot of citrus = my throat is fucked. Metaphorically and physically.
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