She said she's saving anal for marriage cuz she has to save something for her husband...seriously just caught myself lookin at rings.
shut up i haven't hooked up with anyone since 45 minutes ago
Can we put your name for the shipping address for penis ice luge?
In the middle of me riding him, he stopped me and said "You're the kind of person who would be restrained for being obnoxiously drunk on an airplane, huh?"
Seriously babe, why do I keep waking up with bruises on my nipples? WHAT ARE YOU DOING TO ME IN MY SLEEP?
Actually, scratch that, I'm not sure I want to know.
I guess she was just worried I'd end up sleeping with you again
It's not too late to disappoint her you know...
you fail at everything in life besides blacking out
I'm currently deliberating if I'm going to be too drunk on New Years to handle wearing false eyelashes.
I just watched some kid bang his girlfriend and I was like whatever I'll just sit here and do all your fucking drugs that's fine
Yeah ok. We can maid of honor each other since you don't like my boobs enough to lesbian marry me
I say I'm working from home on conference call days, but really I just mute the phone, put that shit on speaker so I can hear what's going on, and let Marcus fuck my brains out.
FYI, his "son" is a Chihuahua.
We should leave before they realize I dumped a bowl of Fritos in your bag just in case I got hungry
But I don't see you as the jesus riding a dinosaur with a machine gun type of guy
Regardless I WANT TO BE YOUR SEX DISPENSARY. that is like the career I was born for.
Randomize
