I woke up in a stranger's bathtub with a broken shower curtain as my blanket.
checking your phone to see who you drunk dialed last night isnt as funny when you see you had a 17 minute call to your dad.
She's sitting on the couch buck naked, eating a cupcake for dinner. I'm breaking new ground as a parent here.
lesson learned: don't narrate out loud about how a girl is giving you head while she's doing it
And with me just getting pulled over and you maxing your card out on tennis balls I don't know if we can afford it
After giving a back rub to someone in the bathroom of the theater, he ripped an "employees must wash hands" sign off the wall to prove that he could and proceeded to hang it up in his house.
Oh man I'm using the bubble wrap that wraped my new vibrator to wrap my dads fathers day gift
It was like I was playing the clarinet on his penis. And I just kept saying I'm sorry.
I woke up and my backpack was empty. He used me for sex, and back to school supplies.
He's 5'2" and his dick 4'8"
It's my birthday weekend! I'm getting a Brazilian and he's going to fucking Arkansas. Where the fuck are his priorities?
Accidentally typed message to mom that included word "kink." FML. Played it off as autocorrect from "drink" which was somehow more acceptable
Do toy wanna orseer frim onedof tjose plaves? Sry textimg with globes on
Gloves*
Out of all the words to correct, you chose gloves??
By the end of our first date my penis was pierced.
I just woke up with a cowboy hat on my face and a playboy from the 90s on my chest
Randomize
