I trust that you have thought of something completely illegal for us to do this weekend.
His penis was definitely too big to be the type that wants commitment. Shit.
Her pussy was so beautiful. That's what I'LL miss the most. Not the omelets. You're the roommate, obviously our priorities on this situation are vastly different.
Do you think I can wear the dress I went to jail in with the shoes I went to prom in to the wedding tonight?
I think you have the right to know, the water bottle you drank out of the other night is the bottle we use to catch what drips from the toilet. Love you!
Ugh..Yesterday was a complete alcohol fueled shit show. Not making eye contact with anyone today. Don't deserve it. Eye contact is for decent people.
I'd feel bad about being drunk at the Christmas service, except for the fact that I've already had sex in this church, so this is just small change.
He wouldn't let me put a red handprint on his face or scream to him everytime he walked away.
Why did you want to do any of that?
If someones last name is Wilson, you are obligated to pretend that you are Tom Hanks and they are a Volleyball and quote the movie when you speak to them.
I passed out and slept in my car. Now I feel like a hungover zoo animal. Look and laugh people, look and laugh.
I drank a girls breast milk at this wedding. Shit was next level
You know it was a weird night when you find curly fries in your purse the next morning...
Stop calling him just to say, "my vagina misses you."
YOU DONT EAT A GIRL OUT AND THEN GO PUKE ASSHOLE
Your girlfriend agreed to a threesome, I saw dogs in a bar. It seems life is falling into place for us
Who the fuck just called me and played funkytown
Randomize
