You know you have a problem when the only thing that saves you is that you drank so late into the night that you sleep through the designated walk of shame time window
Hey they cleaned all the blood out of the elevator. Also could you pick up some nachos?
good news. according to wikipedia, my blackout might just have been "post-trauma amnesia"
You don't have a penis so I'm not texting you at this hour. This is penis texting hour only.
I was the only one at the party that didn't get their name taken by the police. I'm convinced that I'm the main character of Ferris Bueller's Drunken Adventures.
Jesus, I just want to drink. Also simultaneously punch things and rub my vagina on them.
I hoped the great care he put into rolling a blunt would translate to my vagina.
Dude. I tried to hide my drunk wounds from my parents. Response: "we were young once" and "oh god, did I raise a drunk?"
You are beyond drunk wounds. You have drunk battle scars. A true veteran of the sidewalk
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
I just found your ripped underwear on my chandelier. Care to explain?
I work 80 hours a week to prevent myself from just laying in bed and masturbating all day. It's a hands off strategy.
All of my friends are hooking up and here I am, the lone asexual, looking for someone to eat these tostitos with me.
there's a 50/50 chance the night will end in alcohol-induced rituals of satanic nature
My mom purposely got me drunk so I can stay at her house bc "we don't spend enough time together." I blacked out anyway, so we didn't spend time together regardless.
OMG also, I'm sorry I tased you a lil
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