Drawing on your hand and calling it yenifer lopez doesn't count!
oh and i feel obligated to inform you that there will be no sexin' because it's 'lady time' for me. so this ain't a booty call.
She asked me why I was wearing a Batman Suit. Have I ever needed a reason to wear a Batman Suit?
i can't believe you were mixing vodka with green tea last night and enjoying it.
i should bottle and sell it. my slogan could be "green tea vodka. antioxidating while intoxiacting. your liver will thank you. "
Dude, smoked out of a pumpkin tonight. I like Halloween more now
there are people swimming in the fountain next to the library... hello senior week
A girl told me I was her "alcohol spirit animal" tonight. Somehow I think my whole life was secretly building up to this moment
I'm going to sing sad and lonely Barbra Streisand songs at the top of my lungs if you don't get here soon
But how do I turn off the feelings though?
Vodka.
I was about to share my drunken story from the weekend, but two friends getting married and one finding out she's pregnant makes Saturday in jail look a little suspect.
He told me we shouldn't hang out because it would be weird and then snap chatted me a picture of his dick
I mean, you've seen me eat pizza, sober, out of a garbage can, and yet I refuse to go eat at that place. Just sayin....
I am lonely and hungry. I need a girlfriend, but I'd settle for my mom.
I told ya. I'm super awesome at making things super awkward. I'm the Awkwardnator.
I’m a women at a strip club dressed as post Malone
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