Sometimes when I whip my dick out it looks REAL impressive. This, was NOT one of those times.
Gym doesn't open till 11. I'm sure that of the other four people waiting in the lobby, I'm the only one still drunk and only going to the gym to shower.
so i used to love airports for the escalators... now its the bars... then the escalators after the bars
i've been thru my totinos phase. then after reading the ingredients and nutritional info i almost puked in my mouth. its like having the bastard child of pizza hut and mcdonalds invade your kitchen and start stabbing your digestive system.
They thought I was the paid stripper pretty much, and a lady tried to set me up with her nephew and then wanted to get my number for lesbian daughter... A typical night for me
My niece just called my sister in law a teabagger. I love NPR and it's corrupting influence on small children
So I managed to get the bitch who has been copying off me all semester in History to copy the names of Pokemon towns off my test.
we came into the house to find you doing shots by your self and when we told you to stop you locked yourself in the bathroom...
did I at least say anything...
you meowed at us and said you're a cat and cats drink for a living
You should have heard my farts after he left. I swear one of them was a demonic voice saying, "It's coming for you, Nicole. It's coming,".
I walked in on him fucking my best friend. I think we've reached the point of following each other on twitter.
do I look like a person who has full control of their limbs and existence on this plane of reality
My favorite bra is missing and I smell like beer and bad decisions. This is definitely a sign that hoe mode is activated.
Okay, this next statement may sound like a red flag but I'm tellin you, shotgunning those two beers really helped me love my child more effectively. Honest.
the fact that your 21st birthday is also new years eve is pretty much a death sentence
my dad just built a flame thrower.. you should probably get here
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