I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
This situation is one cop call away from being a Lifetime movie.
I just used 'come play with my balls' as a legitimate booty call attempt. And it worked.
Just remembered getting lost in a "shortcut" through yards and GPSing my way home last night
He has a clip art-style heart tattooed on his hip. I hated him way before I saw his tiny dick.
What do you think french fries on pizza would taste like?
i already know. Delicious. Use ranch.
I'm doing homework tonight but if you end up going out drinking I would like one courtesy peer pressure text.
so hungover ... i gave my nephew five bucks to go blow bubbles for an hour in the kitchen.
He broke up with me over the phone while I was getting my bush waxed into a "D" for his surprise birthday present. Talk about bad timing...
I'm in that weird half-dead, half fucked-simultaneously-in-every-orifice-by-a-bus-and-it-wasn't-a-good-time state.
Maybe I'm nitpicking, but that looked more like how one would jerk off an elephant than it did playing air guitar.
When I was hooking up with this guy last night all I could think about was if we were in Game of Thrones... I need to stop doing drugs
There's just something so liberating about drinking a beer with no pants on
The tequila monkeys have a drum solo in my skull right now. I can't imagine Emily feels better.
just discovered a semi frightening wound on the side of my head that must have happened last night. if i die of a brain aneurysm, make sure they put "sorry for partying" on my gravestone.
Randomize
