I will be horny for about another two hours. Feel free to call me until then.
I like how my family gatherings are basically an ugly sweater party just with better beer and wine...
Turns out vomit takes off spray tan.
she tried giving me head in the pool. it was more entertaining than pleasurable
i do some of my deepest thinking on my wednesday morning walks of shame
I have no idea why I said that. I have no idea why anything happened last night, I broke my toaster making a egg. I'm going to quit drinking.
She's drinking vodka out of a windex bottle. She is spraying it in her mouth and at strangers.
it wasn't sex so much as.....a disastrously uncomfortable sexual experience
Just visited the liquor store.... for the 4th time today. shits gonna get weird
I'd apply for another job, but "staring out windows crying" is not a hot qualification right now.
I cried at the bar for 30 minutes because I got my arm stuck in my sweater. I got free drinks for the rest of the night after the bartender helped me.
Just found the measuring tape in my bathroom. How drunk could I have possibly been on Saturday?!
I wouldn't marry anyone who wouldn't symbolically fuck a doughnut with a sausage though.
He is saved in her phone as Sir. Mindfuck <3/ vag cleaner of course I need to meet him.
You were painting for six hours and managed one four foot wall. "The Mellow Handyman" isn't a good business model.
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