You're always adorable, but when you're drunk, you're like Chia Pet adorable.
I think it's our patriotic duty to get high and watch the state of the union tonight
so i may have indirectly taught my 13 year old campers how to give blowjobs.
He ran five blocks just to watch me and my best friend make out. I think he's a keeper.
I just realized I'm trading you a pregnancy test for the morning after pill...
It's been a bad semester.
Yeah bro I don't know how she's gonna explain the black eye, how else do you tell your boss "my knee hit me in the face during sex last night"
Chick last night said she only gets off if she rubs her childhood blanket her parents gave her during sex
I'm basically a mama hen. I keep them warm and let them wonder around the house. not to mention, I keep eye on them just in case the falcons around the house try to snatch them away.
I don't even know what to say right now
For our final psych experiment, we're conditioning Tim to hump the nearest inanimate object and/or person every time he hears a Ke$ha song
And the sky opened up and god said.... "WET T-SHIRT CONTEST!!!!"
The only word that describes how much hair I shaved off of my ass is "considerable".
please come here right now, that girl who always gets her boob out is here and she brought taco bell
I think getting right with the Lord should involve more than me and a bottle of tequila.
It started getting weird when you decided to scold my vagina.
Woke up in my boxers on a subway with a phone number written on my arm in lipstick..Best Night EVER.
Randomize
