Welp...herpes.
Nah you can have him. There's too many men in my life right now. I can't handle another dick.
the moment we started interpretive dancing last night wouldve been a good time to stop drinking.
I woke up to an email from Groupon for 3 laser lipo treatments...on Valentine's Day...way to kick me when I'm down Groupon.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He asked me if we could throw a lingerie party together so I guess he's single again
He stopped mid-sex to read the subtitles on a Korean movie we had playing in the background.
Hey guy that stepped on my foot, don't slap my ass to apologize.
I thought this guy walking back to the dorms with his black laundry bag was walking a black flamingo I'm not even kidding I had to take a break on a bench after that.
You're my favorite person
Yeah except my drinking partners aka my parents went to sleep Cuz ya know, they're old.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Dude...I slept walked to the free condom bin in the lounge last night. I don't know why.
Well then she has to know whoever you were kissing was in overalls because that's not a detail you just leave out.
She was dressed as a banana and told me that I needed more potassium in my diet. Of course I went down on her.
After we finished having phone sex he proceeded to serenade me with Ave Maria. It was magical.
Strip Simon Says: DO IT
Oh I had the weirdest dream in which I was an archeologist stealing a golden dildo from a snobby British person
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