Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
I woke up on my floor...
I woke up with colors of the wind playing on repeat on my laptop...
Life lesson: Don't give a drunk girl a dutch oven after having taco bell. She puked all over my pillow. Funny as hell though.
This pizza tastes like mashed potatoes. HOW HIGH DO YOU THINK I AM?
successfully started a charcoal grill with 2 shots of everclear and some aluminum foil. i never wanna leave here
I was in the freezer we were knocking over shit. Speaking of which i asked my boss. I can hook up with girls in the freezer
Yeah just sayin. Whenever you want to come over and wank me off you can
I think I'm making a tradition of going to every funeral with at least one sex-related bruise. I don't know how this happened.
Can you plz delete the video of me twerking in Waffle House, my mom just got a vine.
Got drunkdialed by my estranged mom while wallowing in pinkeye drinking 100 proof eating ramen alone. Year summed up perfectly.
We got to his house, cuddled while watching game of thrones, then fucked during the repeat airing.
There is a time and place for BDSM, in-between disney sing-alongs is not one of them.
All boys are excommunicated from my vagina until further notice.
Whose dick am I looking at? There are too many possibilities at the moment.
I smell like a mix of alcohol, sweat, and sex and its only 10 AM
Woke up went to work ate beef after three year hiatus shat my pants went to bed
Randomize
