I heard some girl say 'yeah he mustve been so drunk he kept mumbling and repeating himself'
And I thought
Fuck I do that shit every weekend
He better hope I dont die soon. Because I would haunt his bitch ass and cock block 24/7
Come downstairs. Moms serving wine for breakfast again.
I literally have been drunk for three days entirely by myself, the world cup may kill me
The beers last night were like the tears from god
Just had the moment before I realised I'd packed you off in an ambulance last night after funnel-feeding you Monster and vodka. Your mom thinks I'm a dick doesn't she?
I passed out with my wizard stick taped to my hands and got woken up being poked with a St. Bernard
Just your daily reminder that we're terrible people: the average number of men a woman sleeps with in their lifetime is 4
Well his ex just grabbed his dick and told him yep Ill call u later
Nope, had to pee on the side got violated by tall grass. Then someone came around the corner and I had to stop mid pee to dive into the car.. Pants down
Also I'm sorry for asking you to shave my vagina for me last night
I think my dove chocolate wrapper just told me to masturbate.
Girl. There is no more toilet paper. You should have seen the twerking I just did to shake the pee off.
I feel like any time there's that much rope, lingerie, and horse masks on the ground, it's safe to say it was a great night
I need you to get the emergency bail money out if the stuffed panda and go to the police station tot bail me out. I should be there in 20 minutes.
Randomize
