My cock was attacked by outdoor plants
Emee failed...She used my genitals as a tampon
I just walked into his bathroom to see two poops floating... no toilet paper. WTF!?
What wine goes with Cap'n Crunch?
She texted me and said she was fingering herself. Don't respond to this because she's the perfect girl. I'd love to smell her cell phone after that.
I assume you meant to text someone else on your contact list instead of your own mother...
He just dragged himself across the floor on his back claiming to be "the swiffer" help
the parade is in 5 days. put your big boy pants on and come to beer training. time to build your tolerance. i can't have you passing out in a bush with a cape on again this year.
I was at that stage of drunk where it seemed appropriate to just make out with everyone. As like a greeting.
I hear you
hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking if you had a pulse
Also, if you all get arrested i'm coming to laugh at you because i don't have the money for bail.
Currently cooking 3lbs of bacon in case the power goes out bc if even one slice of bacon goes to waste then sandy wins
You don't know reunion panic until you've exfoliated your butt cheeks.
DONT YOU DARE YELL AT ME. YOU'RE THE ONE WHO TRIED TO PAY FOR THE CAB WITH YOUR PANERA REWARDS CARD.
Only I could dislocate my ribcage coaching volleyball and still want to get drunk tonight.
I’ve wanted to home wreck him since their wedding. It was a dream come true
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