I had new employee orientation at the YMCA today. I showed up with a hangover, a black eye, scratches down my arm, and a sore throat from puking gin and keystone.
'Watching yourself cry on Photobooth' is the new 'watching yourself cry in the mirror.'
why does being broke make me substitute dinner for vodka, Xanax, and two day old cupcakes? I don't like being fat, jittery and drunk.
walmarts paint section shouldnt be open at 3am
Couldn't get it up. She asked me what she was doing wrong. Didn't have the heart to tell her. I appreciated her willingness to adapt, but she's pretty much gonna look that bad her whole life.
2000 dollars has been put in for bail money. Also we're signing contracts
I don't even care that his girlfriend will be there. Us hooking up is a tradition and she will NOT ruin it.
My underwear said "hard to get" on the butt. He laughed when he took them off.
I woke up and they were watching power rangers in japanese so I just found my bra and left
The only thing I know is that these arent my shoes and Aaron is missing and he has my house keys.
I told her we had to stay at the bar until at least midnight because that's when my direct deposit hit, don't tell me i'm not responsible
I just got back like 5 minutes ago, I have two champagne bottles that I carried with me on the train home and a Dunkin donuts coffee cup full of stolen butter, I've been in a windowless room for the last 6 hours, time does not exist
what is your life
Free champagne that's what
The highlight of my night will be digging in other people's garbage
You weren't stupid you just made an ass of yourself. It's called a birthday party. That's code for night of regrets.
woke up with 8 used magnum condoms bound together by floss around my neck, thats about all im gonna tell you.
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