my mkouth tastes houw teh zoo smelllls
I wasn't fucked. I was just drunk, because i was still able to walk into the woods and masterbate.
I woke up wearing nothing but 7 partially eaten candy necklaces. Only one was around my neck. Don't even try to tell me I don't need plan B.
The last memory I have is vomiting into a box and her rubbing my back saying "you are such a trooper..."
It's such a good feeling to send those "I'm not in jail" texts on Sunday morning
We've reached the point in our fuck buddy relationship where we are playing words with friends. This is too intimate.
hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking if you had a pulse
A part of me realizes this is a bad time to text. But I override it with my awesomeness
Maybe I'm nitpicking, but that looked more like how one would jerk off an elephant than it did playing air guitar.
I knew it was going to be a good night when my mom said "Have fun, be safe...wait, do you need any weed for tonight?"
I might volunteer to give breath samples on the 17th where I would be required to get drunk and then give samples! THE POLICE WOULD PAY ME AND PROVIDE THE ALCOHOL!
Check snapchat. Selfie game still on point mid vomit.
Nice classy night out before we roll our faces off
may or may not have entered into a gay civil rights discussion with 6 year olds. Hint: I did.
Do you know who these girls are? They're baking a cake, making chicken enchiladas, and bringing me beer everytime I finish one.
Randomize
