I just googled "whats above a trillion", thats how busy I am at work.
I am not sure how to feel about the fact that I was turned on by someone with a penis. I can't believe Lady Gaga would do this to me. :(
Well unless he sent his sperm via fedex, this baby isnt his
So im on with some ukrainian stripper for a vodka tasting tomorrow. If I die tell my family im awesome
Take advantage man but know that every anal bead u drop inside her will make her love u 2% more. It's science
People were staring and acting all judgmental and offended... Like they've never seen anyone breastfeed in a liquor store.
The dominoes guy came back thirty mins later to ask me out. I guess he figures if I'm eating pizza alone I must have gotten dumped
I just found a reminder in my phone to ask you about your sex life in 7 years. So how is that going?
Well I didn't know she was a dominatrix...so I kind of just went with it
I don't particularly remember setting a firecracker off in my hand. No more tequila.
The tamale guy is fucking with me, I wanna sleep in he wakes me up; early wake-n-bake and he's late and I'm hungry
I feel like I don't even know what's gonna happen when we first see each other. It'll be like explosions and glitter and a unicorn will run by pulling a sleigh of alcohol and sex.
We just fucked in the park on a bench and a guy with a dog walked past us and the dog walked right up to us while the guy stared at his phone.
I'm eating cold pizza from work and drinking beer from a wine glass trying to decide if I want to shower or just rub one out and go to sleep. How have I ever gotten laid?
Because you're really hot before taking the time to actually get to know you.
Holy shit he’s stupid hot! If you don’t hurry up and make a move my ovaries are going to march over there and introduce themselves
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