my new years resolutions dont apply when im drunk
the can pyramid on my head actually reached a decent height before I moved.
I feel like I should limit myself to one meal prepared from a box per day
How dare you send me a picture after midnight that isn't porn. You know the rules.
he literaly had a hockey helmet on and was swan diving off the couch onto the coffee table.
Is it bad that my only regret is fucking on the bathroom floor and not the sink?
isn't that the guy who always buys you drinks?
yeah. i love a man who still buys me drinks after the bar cuts me off.
next time on intervention
I'm full of champagne and rage, of course I'm showing up at his house.
His cat watched us the ENTIRE time. Every time I glanced over the poor kitty looked at me as if I were pelvic thrusting her father to death.
Man I can't wait till Thursday if strippers and beer are what you consider "research"
THANKS BE TO BLACK BABY JESUS IN HIS LITTLE GOLDEN DIAPER FOR BLESSING ME WITH NOT PREGNANT
Let's get drunk and take out your tonsils tonight
what happened to you last night?
I dunno man, i pissed in a urinal, sent you a picture of my vagina and woke up with 25 bar stamps on my arms.. you tell me
You win. I am a lesbian who maybe slightly jaded. I didn't mean to throw the knife at you head.
Honestly, you can’t tell the whole sorority he has a donkey dick and expect that no one would sleep with him after you broke up
Randomize
