she wrote "SORRY" in her vomit and left
My poo smells like dog food. That's how I know it was a good night.
It was her first time with a girl so I put on my tegan and Sara playlist to really get the full experience.
Dubbing lion king over planet earth. That stoned.
How do guys with small dicks who cheat on their girlfriends get girlfriends!?!
The maintenance guy at work just asked me out for a drink. For once, I proudly said that I was 20.
Not sure why I sent you a picture of a black bear last night but it seemed like a good idea at the time.
Pretty sure I was rubbing Halloween candy all over my face and saying "these are my bitches."
So... Apparently, "Home" isn't the correct response when a cop asks for your address...
I'm afraid I might run into that fat chick that sucked on me in the hospital parking lot while her friend cried in the car next to us, but I may be willing to take that chance.
The struggle bus has heated seats and stops at Dunkin on Friday mornings so I'll be okay.
As a gentleman whose genital hole is relatively small, you could imagine my reaction
Just zoned back in to real life and found myself chanting "noodle eater noodle eater noodle eater" at my parrot as he devoured a single macaroni
It's still fucked up that my mom let me think Vanilla Ice was my dad for YEARS just because she thought it was funny.
I brought coffee but not enough for the naked guy on your porch
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