Okay, I have a threesome with foreigners and suddenly I'm a man-whore
so i slept on a park bench last night...no hobo
the liquor store lady asked about three times if I was sure about buying two fifths of everclear. i told her I wanted to be on cops
standing in line at subway, they've got 'stand up and get crunk' blaring. the lines out the door and everyone is dancing. Lombardi Gras rules.
she just announced that once she was paid to deep throat a light saber with a mint flavored condom on it. i'm speechless.
The dean held back my hair as I was puking after graduation. That means so much more than a diploma and a handshake.
I started drinking at around 8.. Started heavily drinking around 815.
She liked to slap me in the face while she was on top. All I can say is that big boobs can excuse a lot.
I'm pretty sure my liver died in Reno and my intestines are doing hula hoops around my asshole. The bachelor party was that good.
I sang Sweet Caroline with a homeless man and made him 25 bucks. Redbull vodka gives you wings!
You would seriously think I would remember who put themselves in my phone as Burt Rynalds Moustache, but I don't. And I need to be reminded of who you are so I can give you a proper high five.
We smoked weed. AS A FAMILY. IT WAS BEAUTIFUL.
Stop calling him just to say, "my vagina misses you."
so is it socially acceptable to send her an "i got my man back you whore" card?
I swear if you help me with this I will eat you out and buy you all the Taco Bell you want.
Randomize
