It hit me after I slept with his best friends and brother, that maybe I took it a bit far
Eye surgery went well. Just can't believe it took getting lasers through my eyes to temporarily stop the vivid sex dreams I was having
Law school has no idea what kind of prospect they have coming in. I just convinced a cop not to take me to jail by asking him if he really felt like cleaning puke out of his car tonight.
Trevor is horny so he just called me to tell me all the things that he would like to do with his future wife. That's a new one.
I'm drunk in your building find me and we can have sex.
We can put you in charge of something
I can be in charge of being more wasted than anyone there so everyone feels comfortable being ridiculous
Dude my pants were only on for 20 minutes after she got there.
That's 30 minutes too many.
Just saw the mall santa roll by on a rascal scooter holding a chic-fil-a milkshake and stop to chat up trio of cute 20-somethings. New hero.
I'm sorry I peed on myself in front of your boy toy. You should tell him I'm usually not that trashy. It was nice meeting him tho..
So what did you do since you didn't go out?
...ate chocolate and watched bring it on....it's like I don't even know what it would look like to be straight.
A huge penis doesn't warm the soul. Or that's what I've had to tell myself.
did u drive by my house last night?
bc if that wasn't you i threw my bourbon bottle at the wrong van
I have to choose between charging my phone or my vibrator. This is bullshit.
Dude, you fell into a tree, and both of the tables, AND the window well... Resilient aren't you?
I know you would. And one day, we'll have a moment where i'll verbally assault a stranger for you.
Randomize
