Omfg I am plowed. Had drinks with 3 milfs. Going out on their boat tomorrow. They want to show me how buoyant they are.
the young, male pastor of my church has a jesus fish tramp-stamp. I made him show me.
I didnt realize til after I got out of her apartment and into the lobby that we lived in the same building.
I hate drunken dyslexia, i thought she said "someone to do" not "something to do" long story short i now have a restraining order.
every time I see Anne Hathaway all I can think is "my cousin fucked a guy who fucked her" and it makes me proud.... so I want to say thank you for being that cousin.
I incognito puked under the VIP table. Did Jersey proud.
I'm promising sexual favors in return for his responsible life decisions. Now THIS is growing up.
The empty keg landed on my head. It's a good thing we already got shitfaced or i'd be a vegetable and the humor would be completely lost.
How's your threesome situation going?
Optimistic
You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
In local news "Man Stabbed With Golf Club" next person who tells me this is a safe place to live gets punched...
like, is this a date?? I'm sitting on his couch drinking a juice box while he makes taquitos in sweat pants
I think I've had more sex in your bed than you have and I've only been here three days
i'd like to schedule a penis for 4pm please.
There's a fuckload of syrup all over the floor.
Randomize
