Blowing lines off from the book where the wild things are... bad babysitter?
you yelled "you will never make love to jesus" and then ran into the tv.
Apparently I promised a worker at La Siesta free English lessons to make up for vomming all over the little Mariachi band.
someone just sent me a bong wrapped in christmas paper in the mail. signed 'santa'.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Im sorry for drunkenly throwing your phone into the ocean. At the time it seemed like a good way for you not to text him
If you get me so fucked up I can't use the microwave , I'm going to be so mad at you
Nothing says love like couples STD testing
Nothing says breakup like the results
After getting all 4 of my wisdom teeth removed I asked my dentist how much better would I be at head
All three of my roommates have their significant others over. We're all hanging out in the living room. It's like I'm the trifecta of third-wheeling
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
This is the drunkest I've ever been at a chili's
I just masturbated to the thought of him straight up talking to me. to us having a conversation. What the hell.
I FUCKED THE WRONG FRIEND HELP ME
There are flour footprints all over the house. Either u guys are trying to pull that Paranormal Activity shit on me again, or u got drunk and tried to make pancakes.
Like my mom really needs to know just how non existent my sex life is
I feel like you're encouraging me to commit a felony.
I feel like you're wasting time.
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