One of the cleaning ladies on my floor just screamed from the bathroom
I don't even know why I got my vag waxed
Ugh, tell me about it. As each day passes and the hair grows more, I get a little more depressed.
I was gonna make fun of her but that plan kinda stopped once she put my dick in her mouth
Right when he gets off the plane they're going straight to a party where you're only allowed in with a bottle of whisky and they are given bullet proof vests.
I really want to text him and congratulate him on having a bigger penis than the guy I dumped him for, but I thought that might be awkward...
Did he ask you why you were in his back yard Sunday night?
It was his birthday and he drunkenly offered me Portillo's and diamonds in exchange for a snap chat of my boobs. Even sober it seemed like a good idea at 3 in the morning.
for me, it's working out the tricky timing of the Viagra and nightly laxative.
He pulled over in the Compass Bank parking lot so I could dry-heave, but I decided I couldn't vomit there because "I bank here."
FUCK and YOU. times 10. To infinity and beyond. You bastard. Worst. Cockblock. Ever. I'm going to nail your sister.
He didn't even get to the first chorus of Hotel California before he started convulsing on top of me.
Sooo, did you delete me cause I said I wouldn't babysit you while you did shrooms? You're a grown man.
and i thought it was paint or jizz but it was cheese
please tell me you didnt taste test that
in your professional opinion, what's the most elegant way of saying "sorry I spent all night flirting with you, I thought you were gay" ?
just found a joint on the street in downtown. smoked it with the hot guy from my chem class
WHAT IS UP WITH YOU SMOKING/ DRINKING THINGS OFF THE GROUND?
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