my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
He's gotten way too comfortable around me. He came into the bathroom and took a shit while I was in the shower.
gin and tonic in a mug. no limes so im using canned madarin oragnes. classy or trashy?
homeless.
Wow, you know I need to stop drinking alone when I pour my drink into my hand and offer it to my dog,
the cops didnt even wait to start drinking the confiscated alchohol from the party
life is sad when you just turned 21 and youre doing late night rogaine runs...
Nothing says "I'm a sorority girl" like puking at 830 in the am, wearing my anti-hazing pin, and getting ready for a tea party.
Despite what happened tonight, Im still expecting Jesus birthday sex
I just threw up blood. Also i just remembered i got hit in the face with a 2 by 4.
I feel like I should have backed off when "I love you" came out on the third date. Now I'm in her bed wondering which door my shrine is behind. Fuck.
Either of you know why the shower was on and the bathroom door wide open with no one in there at 6 in the morning?
I just need a big sign that says no more penis please hanging over my head at all times
I've scurried myself in your trunk come find me in the morning
Just once, can I please come back to a room that doesn't smell like beer and cum?
You’re better off without him. Actually, he’s better off without you and that’s what really matters
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