at john mayer concert. alone. to many highschool kids. i feel like a drunk chaperone with a pomegranite martini mustache
I'm sorry. We set two Christmas trees on fire. Also the neighbor's yard. Also ours.
How does "I'm not drinking tonight" turn into body shots?
He chucked my pickle at the bouncer. Fucker, I wanted that.
I masterbate to the thought of you. You totally aren't just a booty call.
Then you shook your fists at the sky and explained to us that losing a sneeze is like losing an orgasm
bro, your right, i shouldn't feel embarrassed about taking shots from a penis-shaped ice sculpture
I saw a kid peeing outback so I yelled "you have a small pecker, but its ok cuz when life gives you lemons..." and proceeded to throw lemons at him
I fucking love your mom. She's so drunk and fully functional. I aspire to be her one day.
he was like "can i get a kiss" and i was like "can i get a taco"
Grindr hookup awareness: always make sure that you agree to blow one person and they aren't bringing a Friend/boyfriend. Shits weird when you're sober.
The fact that he quoted freebird as his breakup speech was a little more classy than expected
bring the pregnancy test and the margarita mix, see you in 15
I don't know if the fact that I carry lube in my purse means I'm living life right or I'm doing it wrong..
I'm storing dick pics, so basically if I'm still single after residency...ur gonna get bombarded. It's gonna be a blizzard of dicks.
Feel free to keep your blizzard of dicks to yourself.
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